i'm constantly trying to compete. with myself, with the douchebag, with everyone. and for once, i need to tell myself: it doesn't matter what everyone else does with their life. it doesn't affect yours. do what you need to do to make your life the enviable one. if you don't try your hardest, you won't ever see results.

there was this cheesy van driving down the street yesterday. it belonged to some sports nut who looks like he doubled as a coach (seeing as his license plate said: coach09). This van was covered in miscallaneous sports balls on fire and a few motivational sayings. one of them stuck with me.

Dedication is doing what you're supposed to do, doing it well and doing it when it's supposed to be done.

i want that to be what people see when they look at me here at work. but it's hard when you have such an asshole hovering over you. Gary used to be my friend, my mentor. now he's just a giant jackass here to make my professional life hell. he does it on purpose... wanting me to grow, wanting me to become an adult... but it's so hard when all you see is negativity.

i need to stop being soft and harden up. i need to prove to him that i deserve to be here. i need to prove to myself that i deserve to be here.

i'm learning a lot along the way.

*****

Annie turns one this week! =) time is flying by.

my grandfather was always invincible to me. he was the stubborn as a mule ox of a man that couldn't keep still.

there are times now when he doesn't even recognize me. or he thinks i'm alicia. or he thinks annie is me. it hurts too much to watch him deteriorate this way...

and then to find out that he's got only 5 years left with us... sanity present or not...

i can't even talk about it anymore.

Now that it's all said and done,
I can't believe you were the one
To build me up and tear me down,
Like an old abandoned house.
What you said when you left
Just left me cold and out of breath.
I fell too far, was in way too deep.
Guess I let you get the best of me.

Well, I never saw it coming.
I should've started running
A long, long time ago.
And I never thought I'd doubt you,
I'm better off without you
More than you, more than you know.
I'm slowly getting closure.
I guess it's really over.
I'm finally getting better.
And now I'm picking up the pieces.
I'm spending all of these years
Putting my heart back together.
'Cause the day I thought I'd never get through,
I got over you.

You took a hammer to these walls,
Dragged the memories down the hall,
Packed your bags and walked away.
There was nothing I could say.
And when you slammed the front door shut,
A lot of others opened up,
So did my eyes so I could see
That you never were the best for me.

Well, I never saw it coming.
I should've started running
A long, long time ago.
And I never thought I'd doubt you,
I'm better off without you
More than you, more than you know.
I'm slowly getting closure.
I guess it's really over.
I'm finally getting better.
And now I'm picking up the pieces.
I'm spending all of these years
Putting my heart back together.
'Cause the day I thought I'd never get through,
I got over you.

Well, I never saw it coming.
I should've started running
A long, long time ago.
And I never thought I'd doubt you,
I'm better off without you
More than you, more than you know.

Well, I never saw it coming.
I should've started running
A long, long time ago.
And I never thought I'd doubt you,
I'm better off without you
More than you, more than you know.
I'm slowly getting closure.
I guess it's really over.
I'm finally getting better.
And now I'm picking up the pieces.
I'm spending all of these years
Putting my heart back together.
Well I'm putting my heart back together,
'Cause I got over you.
Well I got over you.
I got over you.
'Cause the day I thought I'd never get through,
I got over you.

***************************

what the hell is that about? i'll tell you. i was in a 4 year relationship. i believed it was above all others and that my kindness to him would be ridiculously rewarded. it wasn't out of pity. it wasn't out of desparity, because, believe me, i could've had anyone i wanted. i truly thought for more than a split second that this was the person that i would need to fix. This was my purpose. and somehow, seeing him bend to me was undeniably satiating. But it was totally innocent.

I felt like a part of a family. i felt that someone finally understood that i wanted the sun and the moon and the stars for them. i would do anything to see his dreams realized. i sacrificed everything i liked and formed a new set of interests that fell into his realm.

i guess i started dating him because he was so different from everything i ever knew. my life was totally different from anything i ever knew. it was brand new. and as time went on, it was out of familiarity that i stayed. i thought about leaving on several occasions, but then, how awkward would life be if i had to change everything? i sheltered myself from the norm of the college of engineering so that i could run back to that so comfortable niche i had. i was never lonely. i was never sad. why should i have to change everything if we're comfortable? That's what a relationship is about, right? Best Friends first, right?

...

the shit hit the fan when i wanted to change internally. i was growing up. i wanted out. i wanted more than the niche. i wanted the world. i wanted a family, i wanted, i wanted, i wanted....

anyway.

now that i have the clarity to look at it without any of the anger or bitterness...

when it seems that maybe we can salvage what little civility we had left... that ember turned to ash and smoke.

i did it first. i guess i deserve it. what goes around comes around, right? i didn't think it would hurt this much to see something i wanted to forget so badly go... And i've said it so many times in this journal: it's over. it's gone. then why am i still writing about this?! that part of me is dead. at least i want it to be so that it doesn't hurt anymore. i never had a chance to truly let go. i went from one to the other and then just forgot to grieve. I dug it in deep but forgot my ladder to get out.

well here i am, finally throwing daisys on the grave. my hands still smell of the soil that covers it... I can't seem to get it out from under my nails. that time is buried deeper than probably need be. you hurt me more than you can know. you also made me happier than you can ever know. you showed me who i was and who i could be and how i can help by not helping... you taught me infinite patience and perserverity. you taught me that erring on the side of caution isn't always the best choice. and so what if someone looked at you funny, you laugh in their face! i'm unique, i'm fabulous!

that was you. that was us. that's it. the end.

***********

Leaf by leaf, page by page,
Throw this book away.
All the sadness all the rage;
Throw this book away.
Rip out the binding and tear the glue.
All of the grief we never even knew...
We had it all along.
Now its... smoke

The things we've written in it,
Never really happened.
All of the people come and gone
Never really lived
All of the people that come have gone;
No one to forgive.
smoke.

We will not write a new one.
There will not be a new one.
Another one, another one...

Here's an evening dark with shame.
Throw it on the fire.
here's the time I took the blame.
Throw it on the fire.
Here's the time we didn't speak,
it seemed for years and years.
Here's a secret,
No one will ever know
the reasons for the tears.
They are... smoke.

Where do all the secrets live
They travel in the air
You can smell them when they burn
They travel...
Those who say the past is not dead,
Stop and smell the smoke.
You keep saying the past is not dead
Come on and smell the smoke.
You keep on saying the past is not even past
You keep saying...
We are... smoke.

It's august 11th, my friends. where does time go?

So i didn't even realize that we're already 1/2 way through august, until my subconcious slapped me over the head to help me remember.

time flies in the blink of an eye. My daughter is 10 months old next week and has SIX teeth. she bites and screams and loves barney. Last night she tried to say "La Luna" (the moon in spanish). it came out garbled and unintelligible to everyone else, but to mommy, it was perfect english. or spanish. or whatever.

anyway. just remarking at how time is going so quickly. it's slipping away too quickly.

so first things first:



I'm DETERMINED to lose this baby weight. When i had Annie I was 206lbs. I'm down to 185 lbs (measurement from last Thursday). My starting weight when i got pregnant was 173lbs. My goal is to get down to 140lbs and give myself the leeway of staying at 150lbs. 140 is just the goal. i'd like to ultimately get there, but i'd be realistic at 150. I haven't been there since highschool. I'd LOVE to be a size 10 again. Or even an 8. I'm a size 16 right now. yuck. That's DOUBLE the person i need to be!!

in reiew: I've lost 21lbs since i gave birth to Annie. And I have 45 to reach my ultimate goal. 35 to reach my realistic goal. I haven't been working out... i'm starting to now... so hopefully it won't take another 16 months to lose the 40 lbs. (judging that i lost 21 lbs in 8 monhts). Let's see if i can do it. My goal is at least 2 lbs a week... which means 22.5 weeks or a little under 6 months to reach my ultimate goal... 17.5 weeks or a little under 5 months to reach my realistic goal. I think i can do it... I KNOW i can do it. It's just a matter of dedication. And i'm sick of staring at this post-baby body in the mirror. I'm embracing the curves... but i want them trimmed down a bit.

*********

Photo update!



This was us on the 2nd day of our vacation. We were going to the beach. Happy family!

**********

Random: I LOVED the movie "The Hangover." Tres Funny, MOTHERFUCKERS! *squirt squirt POW!*

**********

I'm ready to move on. Or better phrased, ready to put the past behind us. Or better yet: I'm not bitter or angry anymore. truly, i'm not. why? because I'm too happy to be miserable! =) end of story.

I only write about severely depressing things. All in all, my life is wonderful.

My husband gave me a desperately needed slap in the face last night. I need to get out from my "Woe-is-me" cave and realize DAMN, yeah, my life is complicated, but it's in no way as messed up as some people's. My life isn't EVEN messed up by most people's standards. I live in a beautiful house (soon), i have a wonderful and supportive husband, and a baby girl who reminds me every day that i'm the most important person in someone's life.

My husband and my relationship is so strong. we lean on each other for support. He leans on me when he gets these crazy money-making shcemes (which, i really think he's onto something this time)... I tell you, he's brilliant. i support him teaching even though it doesn't make much money because i can't see him with a shirt and tie on every day in a cubicle like me. I like the rules. i also like climbing the corporate ladder.... but him... He needs to make up his own world, his own environment. When he teaches, he's the happiest. there's no way i'll ever take that creative ebb away from him.

He's awakened the artist in me. he's prodding me to write my book that i've been sitting on since freshman year of college. he's the source of my inspiration. he's the nudge in the back that i needed. in so many ways. (take that in as many ways as you want LMAO)

he's got me into trying new things. Not that i'm proud of it, or anything (okay, maybe a little) i've started smoking cigars. so every now and then, he and i will (with the baby monitor) sit on the roof and stare at the stars and smoke a cigar or two. i'm not touching cigarettes (neither does he). Cigars are almost like a mini-high. it's liberating. it's so far from the me from not so long ago.

When we went to the bahamas in early june, i found myself chatting and laughing with the locals, something that is very foreign to me. I'm not usually so open and inviting to complete strangers without the mask on.

we have so much passion for each other. it's like the fire hasn't even dimmed in the least.

and i lean on him when i need a slap in the face to tell me to get off the self-pity train to hell. so i fuck up once in a while.... why is it a reason to beat myself up? look around. My life is beautiful. and as long as i have the two most important people in my llife waking me up every morning with their 4-toothed smiles...

i can't even begin to dream where else my life can take me.

so yeah. I'm doing a little more than okay. i just have to convince myself of that sometimes.

i always fall for it. i need to stop getting back into that cycle.

*****

work is boring. extremely boring. that's because we don't have any jobs lined up. anyone need construction management services for construction projects over 15 million in the south florida area???

this month is unsettling... there are bound to be more cuts before the quarterly staff meeting. keep me in your prayers this month.

*****

i've convinced myself that dreams are just dreams. there's no need to meddle in what is past. it's not my place anymore. move on.

i re-read my last entry from January... i decided it was time to change. since January, my daughter is 7 months old, my one year wedding anniversary is tomorrow, i started going to therapy sessions, and even started taking anti-anxiety pills. I feel like a completely different person. in charge, in control... i got sent out to the field for 3 months, which i enjoyed tremendously. my career is amazing. my relationship is stronger than ever. my daughter is the sunlight my life needed so desperately.

im happy. for once in my (almost) 24 years... i'm completely happy. =)

next week, we go on vacation. im so excited.

I'm alive, i swear.

My little Annie is 3 months old. it's amazing how time flies... it's amazing how easily i'm falling into the role of mom. as easy as it might be... for some reason, there's still that naggingness that i can't get rid of.

i've dealt with depression for a lot of my life. and while i have absolutely NOTHING to be depressed about - and i mean NOTHING: my job, my husband, my family - I don't know why i can't get over this feeling of sadness. maybe it's postpartum. but i've felt this before - this self-destruction, this edgyness. the anger and anxiety... it's not new to me. im not angry at anyone or anything in particular. It's just an overwhelming feeling of losing control. I don't feel like im in complete control of my life.

it's too much: the near sleepless nights, or the nights where i get sleep in bouts of 2 or 3 hours here and there, the house hunting, the FHA loans, the getting "promoted" to structural systems at work (as opposed to counting bathroom partitions - this is much more difficult; not to mention completely new and intricate), the expectant husband, the all-too-giving husband, the blank slate of a human being that looks at me like the source of all that is good in the world, the dad who's lost his job - again; for good this time, the mom who's losing her hair - again, The little brother who's far too comfortable talking about sex, the big brother who is constantly trying to re-invent himself but failing every time and sending his self esteem even further down, the grandfather who gets confused when i tell him that im not "Alicia", the house that always seems to get dirtier once i clean it, didn't i JUST do the laundry?, didn't i JUST change your diaper/onsie?, didn't you JUST eat?! - it's hard to balance. On top of everything, i have to be perfectly calm at all times. i have to be the one who knows what to do all of the time.

that last line - i know it's not true in my heart. it's absolutely ludicrous to think that i have to be the one with all of the answers. The buddha of domesticity. i'm ridiculously hard on myself and set my standards so high that i know i won't reach them - so i don't bother trying. i'm a self-defeatist in so many ways. I'm trying to stop that, but i need help.

this is that first real step after the fake first step: admitting to myself that i actually do need help. the fake first step was pretending to admit that i needed help - and not really believing it. or rather, knowing that i have to get comfortable with someone poking around inside of my head again. i acknowledge that those counseling sessions did a lot of good for me, but with everything i have to deal with, i'm not looking forward to sessions where all i do is cry for 50 minutes straight. i did that once. i didn't utter a word. i just cried and cried and cried. he didn't ask what was wrong. he didn't ask me to explain. for once, someone just sat there while i cried, comfortably. if i didn't know any better, i'd have thought he enjoyed himself.

and while it was completely new and liberating... i dread the thought of letting it all spill out. it's so neatly packed... i've done such a good job keeping it in (not really - the dam has sprung a few leaks here and there - ie 2 weeks ago when i locked ivan out of the house and he walked 6 miles to his grandmother's house and didn't come home - oops.)

the one thing constant through all of this has been my husband. he's been there for me - even when i lock him out. even when mothers attack (that sounds like an awesomely bad reality TV show). even when i have 3 day long migraines.

i scheduled my first REAL vacation that lasts a whole 8 days in over 2 years today. after this past year and a half... i need something more than that. this is as good a start as any. and plus, i left 5 vacation days at work open so i can plan to spend a long weekend here and there with the family. We're going to the most boring (read = where the most exciting thing anywhere is the teddy bear museum 5 miles away) beach in the world (Naples) for 5 whole days with our little munchkin (just me ivan and annie) and then taking a 3 day cruise to the bahamas by ourselves. Annie will stay with her grandparents on those days.

im impatiently awaiting June.

Why am i dreading 2009?

i guess because 2008 was really good to me. 2009.... it just looms. and scares me.

So Annabelle is turning 2 months old on the 22nd. recently, she's been super fussy, drooling like nobody's business, and turning away from food. when i stick my knuckle in her mouth, she CHEWS. she doesn't suck. I honestly can't tell whether her gums are inflamed or not. she coughs every now and then and while she used to be a good sleeper, she's reverted back to waking up at 2:30 in the morning. When i find her, she's not crying, just fussing and trying to chew on her fingers. i assumed that she was hungry, but when i give her food, she fusses while taking it. and drinks less than usual.

how can my 2 month old be teething????

i don't want to go back to work. i don't want to go back to work. i don't want to go back to work. i don't want to go back to work. i don't want to go back to work. i don't want to go back to work. i don't want to go back to work. i don't want to go back to work. i don't want to go back to work. i don't want to go back to work. i don't want to go back to work. i don't want to go back to work. i don't want to go back to work. i don't want to go back to work. i don't want to go back to work. i don't want to go back to work. i don't want to go back to work. i don't want to go back to work. i don't want to go back to work. i don't want to go back to work. i don't want to go back to work. i don't want to go back to work. i don't want to go back to work. i don't want to go back to work. i don't want to go back to work. i don't want to go back to work. i don't want to go back to work. i don't want to go back to work. i don't want to go back to work. i don't want to go back to work. i don't want to go back to work. i don't want to go back to work. i don't want to go back to work. i don't want to go back to work. i don't want to go back to work. i don't want to go back to work. i don't want to go back to work. i don't want to go back to work. i don't want to go back to work. i don't want to go back to work. i don't want to go back to work. i don't want to go back to work.

...i don't want to leave my baby behind.

( This is a long one. )

...does 2008 have to end?? on to bigger and better times! i love my life.

Does anyone else look back and wonder what the hell happened? I feel like i got blindsided by the delorian. 1.21 JIGGOWATTS?! like i woke up here today and wondered where the hell my life went. i'm a college kid one minute and then someone hit the fast forward button to now. They hit the button that no one ever uses on the blender - blend, chop, whip... domesticate? don't get me wrong, i love my life, i love the way we got here. but boy, am i exhausted. i look at my old life through someone else's eyes now. who was that girl? how many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop? who let the dogs out? 42? 3.14159?

who knows.

1) HAPPY HALLOWEEN! i never got to put my house decorations up. bummer.

2) I have decided that since baby is lazy at breast and because i just pumped over 3 ounces of breastmilk, i am going to breastfeed her by pump. that way, everyone wins! =) another plus of pumping... i know exactly how much she's getting every feeding. and that's awesome.

i am a happy camper.

Everyone always sees that doting and ever patient mother on TV happily wiping that smooth baby bottom from an always happy baby. The baby giggling and cooing when the wipe is applied (the complete opposite happens, usually ending up with her screaming bloody murder and peeing all over the blanket you JUST finished washing). the viewer at home feels like having a baby would only bring feelings of joy and love. and while that's half true, the media fails to bring to light the gritty side of bringing a child into the world.

"A Baby Story" and "Bringing Home Baby" are two extremely popular TV "reality" series on TLC. most of the time, you'll see a watered down version of what bringing home baby really means. they never talk about the hardships of breast feeding, or the ever present baby blues and hormonal swings. they'll only talk about what everyone knows: the sleepless nights and the poopy diapers. it's a sad excuse for a reality TV show that i once thought was a great insight. now, it annoys me how it fails to prepare women properly about what can possibly happen to them. I wonder to myself: how many of these women are actually experiencing what i am? how many of them fail to realize how important it is to be honest about how they're feeling? how many of them actually are but end up on the cutting room floor? it drives me insane. there needs to be something to expose childbirth for what it REALLY is.

as morbid and cynical as this sounds, hear me out. I wasn't prepared nor informed about how serious postpartum depression really is. The hormones are completely out of whack. I've given up breastfeeding... which drives me to such a guilt... it's obscene. But i tell myself that i have to accept it. I'd rather see her full and satisfied than hanging out at my breast for 2 hours and still scream for more. it's a psychological conundrum for me. it hurts on one side because i feel like im not providing properly for her. it hurts on the other because i hate to see her cry. which leads me into the depression... seeing her cry and cry and cry and cry for what seems like hours, it gets me into these fits of hysteria where i start to cry too. out of desperation, out of pity, and what's worst: out of resentment.

i find myself wishing this never happened, trying to ignore her, wanting to forget this. feeling awful and resentful... she's taken over my life. she's taken over my husband, who i'm insisting doesn't find me attractive anymore and only loves me for our daughter. i can't go out when i please, and i'm a slave to her demanding cry...

This is the gory truth. and while i feel guilty about not breastfeeding anymore, i think it's important for me to realize what was happening. I was going down a road that a lot of women can't come back from. and i refuse to resent my daughter out of desperation.

I woke up. i'm doing the best i can and i cannot hold any of that against Annabelle. She's so young, so innocent... so dependent. i love my daughter now more than ever and those feelings of desperation are fading quickly. But most women don't recognize these signs. as much as your child's needs are priority, she needs me to be mentally stable too. And drinking formula is a much less worse fate than that of me resenting her for the rest of her life. It sounds trivial. it sounds ridiculous. but it's there.

There needs to be a way to inform women. i just wish i knew how.

wow. what time is it? where am i? and is she content? are the first three questions when i wake up. at any time that i manage to sleep. it usually comes in bursts: 2 hours here, an hour there, 4 hours there (WOAH). my husband is absolutely amazing and completely in love with our daughter. Being a mom is different and draining - an absolute rollercoaster. but it's getting easier. i know her cries now.

( this might be a TMI/touchy subject )

anyway, pictures on facebook:

http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=2201977&l=405a2&id=10600476

It's an open album. enjoy. =)